The Wedding Cryer

Usually you wait until the bride and groom are coming down the aisle to cry at a wedding ...

I have been blessed with two stepdaughters that took me into their hearts well before I took them into my own. They were 5 and 7 when I met them and their father. We have had a close relationship, even with all the ebbs and flows that accompany families and accomodate the fact that girls grow into teens, into young women and then into young adults.

My youngest, Angela, is getting married. Yes, she's only 18 (18 1/2 as she says). He's almost 21 and of course she's more mature in many ways (as girls and boys are at this age). But, their relationship is sweet, pure and has survived the test of many things over the past three years. They both believe in the holiness of the marriage relationship and God's role is paramount in the way they relate to each other and to the world.

Since God showed my husband and I that we had two young teenagers to pour our lives into and adopting wasn't what He wanted for us, I have been "all in" in sharing the mothering role with their biological mother (at her insistence and joy, what a blessing she is).

But, the wedding. After some minor squabbles over details and guests etc, it has just hit me that this is as close as I'll get to seeing a daughter get married. A lot of tears that I thought were in the past came pouring out. A lot of dreams and expectations about the future I had always thought was a given were starkly revealed.

Why do I feel like that? At the beginning of the wedding planning, I sincerely told Angela that I didn't expect to be recognized or have any part in the ceremony or planning, that Tami was her mother and she should be at the center of things. She instantly said, no, that's not right, you've both been there and you both will be there.

The depth of my feelings surprised me. The hard fact that I'm way down in the list of priorities hit me like an old weapon I thought was destroyed.

This infertility journey will never end. Okay, I said it. But do I really want it to end? As hard as it is sometimes, I know that because of my insistence in living the journey the tears I shed aren't bitter. I know my heart is soft and tender and open to love whomever God puts in my path. Yes, the journey could be easier, but then I think I would be hard and stiff and "not here." I could be just wandering and floating through life. I don't choose to live that way. I think this is best. I think this is what God wants for all of us.

This is what it really means to be a mom. Here are Tami's comments on the wedding:
I don't think you are way down on the list of priorities, I just think Angela and Rico should be at the top of the priorities. As moms, we die a lot of times to our own needs/wants for the sake of our children having a stress free joyous time (at least as much as possible), and yes, a lot of times it cause stress for us, (even pain/hurt that we choose not to burden them with) but the end result is always worth it. Angela is working hard to arrange things, she doesn't share everything with me, I barely see her actually. I look at this as her day, and I'd rather be invisible in the shadows and watch her shine.