Rachel realized that she wasn't having any children for Jacob, and became jealous of her sister. She told Jacob, "Give me sons or I'll die!" Jacob got angry with Rachel and said, "Am I God? Am I the one who refused you babies?" Rachel said, "Here's my maid Bilhah. Sleep with her. Let her substitute for me so I can have a child through her and build a family." So she gave him her maid Bilhah for a wife and Jacob slept with her. Bilhah became pregnant and gave Jacob a son.
Rachel said, "God took my side and vindicated me. He listened to me and gave me a son." She named him Dan (Vindication). Rachel's maid Bilhah became pregnant again and gave Jacob a second son. Rachel said, "I've been in an all-out fight with my sister—and I've won." So she named him Naphtali (Fight).
When Leah saw that she wasn't having any more children, she gave her maid Zilpah to Jacob for a wife. Zilpah had a son for Jacob. Leah said, "How fortunate!" and she named him Gad (Lucky). When Leah's maid Zilpah had a second son for Jacob, Leah said, "A happy day! The women will congratulate me in my happiness." So she named him Asher (Happy).
One day during the wheat harvest Reuben found some mandrakes in the field and brought them home to his mother Leah. Rachel asked Leah, "Could I please have some of your son's Mandrakes?" Leah said, "Wasn't it enough that you got my husband away from me? And now you also want my son's mandrakes?" Rachel said, "All right. I'll let him sleep with you tonight in exchange for your son's love-apples."
When Jacob came home that evening from the fields, Leah was there to meet him: "Sleep with me tonight; I've bartered my son's mandrakes for a night with you." So he slept with her that night. God listened to Leah; she became pregnant and gave Jacob a fifth son. She said, "God rewarded me for giving my maid to my husband." She named him Issachar (Bartered). Leah became pregnant yet again and gave Jacob a sixth son, saying, "God has given me a great gift. This time my husband will honor me with gifts—I've given him six sons!" She named him Zebulun (Honor). Last of all she had a daughter and named her Dinah.
And then God remembered Rachel. God listened to her and opened her womb. She became pregnant and had a son. She said, "God has taken away my humiliation." She named him Joseph (Add), praying, "May God add yet another son to me."
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Cravings
It is so hard to describe the cravings that I had for a child. That you have for a child. That you have for a family of several children.
These cravings are surely righteous cravings. There is nothing at all wrong with wanting a child to nurture and love and teach to be a giver and a lover themselves. The depth of these cravings is unfathomable - we cannot find the end of them, although we know the beginning. Our body longs for a child, our soul thirsts for one. We will not be quenched until we have our baby.
How do we cope while we are waiting for our child? Our waiting might be through delayed pregnancy, infertility procedures, adoption or maybe an extended or blended family we finally claim or share.
We cannot compare these cravings to anything else we have experienced. It is not the same as craving food during a diet. It is not the same as craving water while we are exercising. It is not even the same as craving the closeness of our husband during sex or during a crisis.
I ran across a passage in the Psalms that talks about a craving for God. This is the only craving that seems to satisfy my soul's hurt for a child. But it is hard. It is not easy. It must be experienced wholeheartedly and with an open spirit. But even just a small crack allows His healing heart to meet mine and satisfy my cravings. It is only by knowing He cares and will take care of me and you in our waiting that we can survive the depths of our craving for a child within the depths of His love for us.
Psalm 63: 1-8
God—you're my God! I can't get enough of you!
I've worked up such hunger and thirst for God,
traveling across dry and weary deserts.
So here I am in the place of worship, eyes open,
drinking in your strength and glory.
In your generous love I am really living at last!
My lips brim praises like fountains.
I bless you every time I take a breath;
My arms wave like banners of praise to you.
I eat my fill of prime rib and gravy;
I smack my lips. It's time to shout praises!
If I'm sleepless at midnight,
I spend the hours in grateful reflection.
Because you've always stood up for me,
I'm free to run and play.
I hold on to you for dear life,
and you hold me steady as a post.
These cravings are surely righteous cravings. There is nothing at all wrong with wanting a child to nurture and love and teach to be a giver and a lover themselves. The depth of these cravings is unfathomable - we cannot find the end of them, although we know the beginning. Our body longs for a child, our soul thirsts for one. We will not be quenched until we have our baby.
How do we cope while we are waiting for our child? Our waiting might be through delayed pregnancy, infertility procedures, adoption or maybe an extended or blended family we finally claim or share.
We cannot compare these cravings to anything else we have experienced. It is not the same as craving food during a diet. It is not the same as craving water while we are exercising. It is not even the same as craving the closeness of our husband during sex or during a crisis.
I ran across a passage in the Psalms that talks about a craving for God. This is the only craving that seems to satisfy my soul's hurt for a child. But it is hard. It is not easy. It must be experienced wholeheartedly and with an open spirit. But even just a small crack allows His healing heart to meet mine and satisfy my cravings. It is only by knowing He cares and will take care of me and you in our waiting that we can survive the depths of our craving for a child within the depths of His love for us.
Psalm 63: 1-8
God—you're my God! I can't get enough of you!
I've worked up such hunger and thirst for God,
traveling across dry and weary deserts.
So here I am in the place of worship, eyes open,
drinking in your strength and glory.
In your generous love I am really living at last!
My lips brim praises like fountains.
I bless you every time I take a breath;
My arms wave like banners of praise to you.
I eat my fill of prime rib and gravy;
I smack my lips. It's time to shout praises!
If I'm sleepless at midnight,
I spend the hours in grateful reflection.
Because you've always stood up for me,
I'm free to run and play.
I hold on to you for dear life,
and you hold me steady as a post.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Hannah's Blog from 1 Samuel
My husband Elki is from Ephraim and is a man from a great family that can trace their line through many generations. I was his first wife but he had to marry another woman so that his line could continue. Penny had many children, but I had no children.
Every year we would go to Shiloh to worship at the temple and to pay our tithes. Every year I would not have a child to present to all our friends and family that we met there. We would spend time with them eating together and catching up on things. Every year I would have to smile and show them Penny's new baby and pretend to be enchanted with her new children.
But my husband loved me and was aware of my sadness and would always give me a bigger gift then Penny. We thought that God did not want me to have children, since I was almost at the end of my childbearing ability.
And every year, as she did almost every day, Penny would go out of her way to provoke and irritate me. Since she had many children, she was confused that Elki still loved me more. But although I was grateful for his love and understood Penny's motivation, I still let her get to me. She would make sure I was around when she showed off her newest babe and would make me hold it and present it to someone, while she held another of her children. How hurtful that was.
I couldn't help it. I would weep and I could not eat.
Elki was no good either. He would hound me about not crying in front of everyone. About not eating the great food Shiloh had to offer and he would remind me that he went out of his way to find my favorites. He was a good man. He could not stand it that my heart was sad.
But, the time that he said to me, "Aren't I better than 10 sons?" was the last straw! He could not understand that it was not the same thing!
So I ran out before dinner was finished and into the temple for some peace and quiet, hoping that the priest, Eli, wouldn't bother me. I couldn't understand how my life with Elki had turned out so barren of children. Penny's babies were not enough. I wanted my own and I knew that time was running out for me. How could I go on? How could I continue to love and make love to Elki with abandonment without thinking of the pain of infertility? Why wasn't God listening to me?
I was always able to pray in the temple. This time, in the midst of my tears, I made a promise to God:
"O Lord, please remember your servant and her infertility. If you will give me a son, I will know that he is Yours forever, to do Your bidding, not mine. I will only borrow him for a little while and during that time I will not cut his hair, as a reminder to me that he is really Yours."
Now as I was praying silently, Eli the priest thought I was mumbling in a drunken stupor! He approached me and asked me why I drank so much and would I consider quitting.
That was so far from the truth that I had to be careful not to laugh and be respectful to this greatest priest of our nation. I let him know that I was very depressed and not drunk and that I was only pouring out my soul before God. I begged him not to think bad of me, but because I was so upset, I just couldn't put voice to my troubles. I didn't want to start with the whole story, I knew I would never stop crying.
Eli was impressed, I could tell. But I was still so surprised that he didn't kick me out. He gave me his blessing and sincerely asked God to answer my prayers.
I answered that I now had hope again that God would answer my prayer. I went back to the dinner and ate everything that was put in front of me. I was amazed that I was no longer sad.
After we packed up and returned home, I gladly gave myself to Elki with love and peace in my heart. I was amazed to find that this time I conceived and gave birth to a son.
I named my son Samuel, meaning "the Lord heard me."
Oh yes! He was gracious and tender to the distress within my soul and I don't know why, but this time my answer was a visible one. A baby boy who would always know he belonged to God.
Read more about Hannah and Samuel in 1 Samuel.
Every year we would go to Shiloh to worship at the temple and to pay our tithes. Every year I would not have a child to present to all our friends and family that we met there. We would spend time with them eating together and catching up on things. Every year I would have to smile and show them Penny's new baby and pretend to be enchanted with her new children.
But my husband loved me and was aware of my sadness and would always give me a bigger gift then Penny. We thought that God did not want me to have children, since I was almost at the end of my childbearing ability.
And every year, as she did almost every day, Penny would go out of her way to provoke and irritate me. Since she had many children, she was confused that Elki still loved me more. But although I was grateful for his love and understood Penny's motivation, I still let her get to me. She would make sure I was around when she showed off her newest babe and would make me hold it and present it to someone, while she held another of her children. How hurtful that was.
I couldn't help it. I would weep and I could not eat.
Elki was no good either. He would hound me about not crying in front of everyone. About not eating the great food Shiloh had to offer and he would remind me that he went out of his way to find my favorites. He was a good man. He could not stand it that my heart was sad.
But, the time that he said to me, "Aren't I better than 10 sons?" was the last straw! He could not understand that it was not the same thing!
So I ran out before dinner was finished and into the temple for some peace and quiet, hoping that the priest, Eli, wouldn't bother me. I couldn't understand how my life with Elki had turned out so barren of children. Penny's babies were not enough. I wanted my own and I knew that time was running out for me. How could I go on? How could I continue to love and make love to Elki with abandonment without thinking of the pain of infertility? Why wasn't God listening to me?
I was always able to pray in the temple. This time, in the midst of my tears, I made a promise to God:
"O Lord, please remember your servant and her infertility. If you will give me a son, I will know that he is Yours forever, to do Your bidding, not mine. I will only borrow him for a little while and during that time I will not cut his hair, as a reminder to me that he is really Yours."
Now as I was praying silently, Eli the priest thought I was mumbling in a drunken stupor! He approached me and asked me why I drank so much and would I consider quitting.
That was so far from the truth that I had to be careful not to laugh and be respectful to this greatest priest of our nation. I let him know that I was very depressed and not drunk and that I was only pouring out my soul before God. I begged him not to think bad of me, but because I was so upset, I just couldn't put voice to my troubles. I didn't want to start with the whole story, I knew I would never stop crying.
Eli was impressed, I could tell. But I was still so surprised that he didn't kick me out. He gave me his blessing and sincerely asked God to answer my prayers.
I answered that I now had hope again that God would answer my prayer. I went back to the dinner and ate everything that was put in front of me. I was amazed that I was no longer sad.
After we packed up and returned home, I gladly gave myself to Elki with love and peace in my heart. I was amazed to find that this time I conceived and gave birth to a son.
I named my son Samuel, meaning "the Lord heard me."
Oh yes! He was gracious and tender to the distress within my soul and I don't know why, but this time my answer was a visible one. A baby boy who would always know he belonged to God.
Read more about Hannah and Samuel in 1 Samuel.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Real Transformation, not Positive Thinking
Forget positive thinking. Dwell on the positive, but practice the things you learn. Spend a few moments in the Bible and find out how.
Reality TV is all about transformation. The ugly duckling turns into the beautiful swan. The outcast hippie chick changes her clothes and somehow that changes her whole world. The squeamish and the strong team up to become tough survivors. But our reality is that we desperately want to become moms, where's the TV show for that?
We want nothing else than to become one of the moms at the mall with our sweet "Gymboree-clad" baby tucked into a deluxe 5-way stroller. We would be oh-so-happy paddling and giggling at the Y pool for newborn swimmers, along with all the other moms. And we would reluctantly close the door each night on our bejeweled and bedecked nursery with our very own heavenly angel breathing softly in its midst.
Now that's a transformation we can relate to! Comparing that to our real life spent at the doctor's office, scheduling sex, shots in our backside and waiting, waiting, and oh, more waiting. We are in need of some kind of change.
God promises that He will give us a family in His timing and according to His plan, if we're willing to trust Him and wait upon Him. So the good news is that we will become a mom! And although this will be a big thing in our lives, to truly become the kind of mom God wants you to become, we must concentrate on our inner spiritual transformation.
Babies are great, but they can be tough on your sense of self, tough on your marriage and tough on the priority of your relationship with God.
How do we find that inner transformation and growth that will sustain us in all areas of our lives?
Paul has some good advice for us in his letter to the Philippians in the Bible:
Reality TV is all about transformation. The ugly duckling turns into the beautiful swan. The outcast hippie chick changes her clothes and somehow that changes her whole world. The squeamish and the strong team up to become tough survivors. But our reality is that we desperately want to become moms, where's the TV show for that?
We want nothing else than to become one of the moms at the mall with our sweet "Gymboree-clad" baby tucked into a deluxe 5-way stroller. We would be oh-so-happy paddling and giggling at the Y pool for newborn swimmers, along with all the other moms. And we would reluctantly close the door each night on our bejeweled and bedecked nursery with our very own heavenly angel breathing softly in its midst.
Now that's a transformation we can relate to! Comparing that to our real life spent at the doctor's office, scheduling sex, shots in our backside and waiting, waiting, and oh, more waiting. We are in need of some kind of change.
God promises that He will give us a family in His timing and according to His plan, if we're willing to trust Him and wait upon Him. So the good news is that we will become a mom! And although this will be a big thing in our lives, to truly become the kind of mom God wants you to become, we must concentrate on our inner spiritual transformation.
Babies are great, but they can be tough on your sense of self, tough on your marriage and tough on the priority of your relationship with God.
How do we find that inner transformation and growth that will sustain us in all areas of our lives?
Paul has some good advice for us in his letter to the Philippians in the Bible:
"Summing it all up, my friends, I'd say you'd do best by filling your minds and meditating on things that are true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling and gracious. Whatever you can find that is good and beautiful and worthy of praise, dwell on these things."
This is not just about positive thinking, Paul continues:
"Now, put into practice these things that you have learned and received for yourself and heard and seen in me and others and the God of peace will be with you."
Call it "positive practice". The hilarious, very real author, Ann Lamott, quotes her pastor, "We don't transform ourselves, but when we finally, really listen, the Spirit has access to our heart, and that is what changes us."
A Weaned Child: a Comment from Cathi
I read Psalm 62 this am...and as I read it my heart was comforted and cheered on. All through life we come up against enemies ... worry, fear, depression, pride, anger, discouragement.It's so easy for these thoughts and feelings to topple us. The answer for all this is to wait on Him...sit at His feet. Psalm 131 verse 2 I have calmed and quieted myself, like a weaned child who NO LONGER CRIES for its mother's milk. Yes, like a weaned child is my soul within me.Sometimes when my thoughts and feelings are racing and I am on the verge of tears...I have to stop myself...take a deep breath and just be still. I talk to myself saying things like God is in control ... He loves me...He will take care of everything that concerns me. I want to get to a place where I no longer cry out of panic for my needs to be met. I want to be able to calmly walk along side my Father knowing He is on top of my needs already.Every part of me .... soul body mind...ALL placing my expectations in Christ. He is the only ONE who can truly meet our emotional, physical and spiritual needs. Turning to Him with all we are puts us in a place of safety. As a child we find a good hiding place and tell no one...because we are safe there ... and we win the game!!! But in this hiding place, His presence, let's tell others...so they can go to a place where all their worries and fears can not find them.God has given us people to help us along the way.... I am very grateful for that...but it really comes down to one source HIM! He is our Creator....sit back and think about all the beautiful and amazing things He has made. I like to walk outside looking at the sky, trees or just feel the cool breeze...it calms me. I reflect that He made it....how awesome ... so I know He is sooo in tune to my heart...nothing goes unnoticed. NOTHING. So sit at His feet everything else can really wait...sit at His feet worship...love on Him get to that place where nothing can reach you.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Wounds and Arrows
Bethann has commented on our blog that her fertility issues feel like a "non-healing wound on her soul ... and the scab keeps getting ripped off." Oh, how I understand that feeling all too well.
A book that I have read and reread is The Sacred Romance by John Eldredge and Brent Curtis. This book talks about Arrows. Arrows are anything that has pierced your heart or your soul and from which it has been difficult or impossible to recover. The authors say that the result is
A book that I have read and reread is The Sacred Romance by John Eldredge and Brent Curtis. This book talks about Arrows. Arrows are anything that has pierced your heart or your soul and from which it has been difficult or impossible to recover. The authors say that the result is
"a shift deep in our soul ...
an approach to life that becomes our personality ...
our shape ... our convictions ...
the Arrows taint and direct our spiritual life."
If you feel that something is missing in your life, your heart, your soul, there is some wisdom in this book: performance isn't everything, we must regain an image of our original shimmering self, we must draw closer to the heart of God.
We cannot heal our own hurts. I believe that we are created to be in relationship with each other and with God. I have seen women's souls healed through contact with other women who are also in the process of healing. And through contact with a God that wants nothing more than to heal our hurts tenderly.
Cry your eyes out. Cry out with your voice. He will hear you.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Yoga and Infertility
Before you think I'm saying that practicing yoga is good for your fertility, think again. Maybe it is! I'm quite sure that anything that is healthy for your body and mind will help.
What I'm not sure is if the pseudo-spiritual side of yoga is on target. But there is a mystical tradition of meditation in Christian circles that intersects with it. If you're really "flexible and twisty" you can probably do the bird of paradise or even the frog while meditating and praying ... I know I'm always praying. Praying I can get through the class every week without hurting myself!
I do know that while I am determined to exercise and stretch my muscles practicing yoga, I am as equally determined to exercise and stretch my prayer muscles! Try it! You don't have to do yoga, you can do cardio, lift weights, go on hikes, or swim.
It is great to do these things with a friend and deepen your friendship, but it is also great to do these things with our Friend and deepen our relationship with Him. Believe me, when Jesus walked this earth, He put in a lot of miles, there were no cars, remember.
I would like to think that He knows first hand the kind of physical anguish we are in when we are exercising for health reasons, to lose weight, to increase our fertility, to get our mind in gear and/or just to fill up time so we don't think about that child we so desperately want.
So, when I'm practicing yoga, I talk to Him. And, when I am most twisted up and desperate for a break, I listen.
What I'm not sure is if the pseudo-spiritual side of yoga is on target. But there is a mystical tradition of meditation in Christian circles that intersects with it. If you're really "flexible and twisty" you can probably do the bird of paradise or even the frog while meditating and praying ... I know I'm always praying. Praying I can get through the class every week without hurting myself!
I do know that while I am determined to exercise and stretch my muscles practicing yoga, I am as equally determined to exercise and stretch my prayer muscles! Try it! You don't have to do yoga, you can do cardio, lift weights, go on hikes, or swim.
It is great to do these things with a friend and deepen your friendship, but it is also great to do these things with our Friend and deepen our relationship with Him. Believe me, when Jesus walked this earth, He put in a lot of miles, there were no cars, remember.
I would like to think that He knows first hand the kind of physical anguish we are in when we are exercising for health reasons, to lose weight, to increase our fertility, to get our mind in gear and/or just to fill up time so we don't think about that child we so desperately want.
So, when I'm practicing yoga, I talk to Him. And, when I am most twisted up and desperate for a break, I listen.
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